i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
