i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
