so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
