I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
