how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
