Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
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No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat