Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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