I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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