Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
