Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
