YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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