last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
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I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
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I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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