Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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