not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
