The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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