I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
