I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
