I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
