If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
