So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
