i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
