Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
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My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
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Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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