I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
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We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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