apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
