i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
