your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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