I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
