I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Girls should come with a carfax report
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
