His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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