They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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