But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
