New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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