and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
