I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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