I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
