Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".