Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend