Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.