I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
