We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
