Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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