I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Where are you guys?
Drunk
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
