i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
