Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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