I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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