Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
