I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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