every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
