i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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