you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
