I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
