I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
