his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
