i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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