Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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