i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
