we're chasing vodka with high fives
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
