Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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