Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
