Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
