she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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