I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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