I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
