dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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