I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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