I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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