Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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