my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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