so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
