So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
did i walk over a car last night?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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